Up yours -The true story?
Before
the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger
of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and
therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.
This
famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or
pluck yew).
Much
to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major battle and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers
at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! Pluck Yew!"
Over
the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say,
the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words
often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It
is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird'
Management
A
man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground and descended to shouting
range.
"Excuse
me," he shouted. "Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The
man below responded: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between
40 and 42 degrees North Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West Longitude."
"You
must be an engineer," responded the balloonist.
"I
am," the man replied. "How did you know?"
"Well,"
said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information,
and the fact is I am still lost."
Whereupon
the man on the ground responded, "You must be a manager."
"That
I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well,"
said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to
keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were before we met, but
now it is somehow my fault."
Who's in charge?
All
the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
"I
should be in charge", said the brain, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I
should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away".
"I
should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".
"I
should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal".
All
the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain
had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.
Eventually
the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The
moral of the story?
You
don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.
25 Rules of Order
1.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2
. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
6.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
7.
My reality cheque has bounced.
8.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
9.
I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
10.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
11.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
12.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
13.
Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
14.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
15.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
16.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
17.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
18. If
it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
19.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
20.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
21.
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
handle this?"
"Where to Place Them"
Take
the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone
for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If
they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.
If
they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If
they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.
If
they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If
they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.
If
the room has a sweaty odour, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.
If
they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.
If
they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.
If
they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If
they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.
If
they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If
they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
"The Second 10 Commandments"
1.
Thou shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.
2. Thou shall not be fearful, for
most of the things we fear never come to pass.
3. Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them, for no one
yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.
4. Thou shall face each problem as it comes. You can only handle one at a
time anyway.
5. Thou shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.
6. Thou shall
not borrow other people's problems. They can better care for them than you can.
7. Thou shall not try to relive yesterday
for good or ill, it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!
8. Thou shall
be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear ideas different from your own. It is hard to learn something new
when you are talking, and some people do know more than you do.
9. Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration,
for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.
10. Thou shall count thy blessings,
never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one
What makes 100%?
Ever
wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over
100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H
A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K
N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So,
it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you
over the top.
And
look how far ass kissing will take you.
A
S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
The 6 stages of a project
The
6 stages of any project:
1
Enthusiasm
2
Disillusionment
3
Panic
4
Search for the guilty
5
Punishment of the innocent
6
Reward of the non-participants
Expressions for high stress days
1.
You! Off my planet!!
2.
Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 28 years.
6.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
7.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
8.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
9.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
10.
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
11.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
12.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
13.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
14.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
15.
You say I'm a witch like it's a bad thing.
16.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
17.
Chaos, panic & disorder - my work here is done.
18.
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
19.
Earth is full. Go home.
20.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
21.
Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
22.
How do I set the laser printer to stun?
23.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
24. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to
you.
